in space, no one can hear you scream

When you see a Vons, proceed with caution.

I've compiled some handy tips that may help your experience with the chain grocery store, should there not be another grocery store in a five mile radius. 

1. Take a daily meditation practice. 

*It is ill-advised you enter a Vons within the first 3 months of doing so.

2. Mentally prepare yourself for the disappearance of a year from your life. 

*20-somethings will have a much easier time with this, but those 40 and older may want to consider what's more important- an item on their bucket list or a bag of rotted grapes and a box of Cheerios.

3. Do not assume the express line will be express. 

*Take in your surroundings. Always remember that 5 items of produce = 20 scannable items

4. If you see something, say something (but write it down).

*No one can hear you scream in space.

5. Make no attempt to leave with a basket.

*Yes, you have art supplies that would do well in a Vons basket, but remember that shit is alarmed. There's only one person happier to run out of Vons and that's the security guard who will chase you.

6. Just because it's free, doesn't mean you should eat it.

*Something fishy is making Vons cashiers move in slow motion. Pineapple chunks on toothpicks are just as easily laced with Benadryl as the Vons break room water. 

7. Have your credit card out and ready.

*Not everyone is on the same learning curve with the card machine. Do yourself and the people behind you a service by closing up the window for some valuable time that could be lost while everyone is staring at you.

8. Park off towards the side, maybe even close to the street. (this should've been said first)

*One time, I parked near the front to come out with my bags and find a woman dressed like Janis Joplin on the roof of my car, giving head to the antenna.

9. Relax.

*Like anal sex, relax. Tensing up isn't going to make this easier. Even better, smoke a joint before heading in.

10. Always remember that no one else wants to be here.

*Open your eyes. Do you see one smiling face in the crowd? Keep your cool and don't blame others for a failing system. It's not anyone's fault the Hell mouth got so popular for local canned goods.

11. Most of all, get in and get out.

*Just like your last relationship, it's always fashionable to not dig claws in when the going gets rough. Make your own destiny. Buy a loaf of bread!