Jesus is a billboard!

What is it about Jesus that brings out the budding comic in his followers? Was it the lepers? The non-procreative birth? The turning water in wine thing? The sandals? Maybe the Bible left out a few parts deemed too suspicious of sanctity, like his late-night spots at the Bethlehem Laughter Hut Cabaret and Restaurant.

Drive through the Midwest and see some of the signage spectacle, billboards sure to bust a gut like “The only way to God is down on your knees!” “Jesus is calling long distance! Will you accept the charges?!” “The Best Vitamin For A Christian Is B1.” “Do Not Cross Us!”

You know what’s not funny? Vehicular manslaughter. Had nary a follower given observance to what could occur, if say, Merle was driving on Route 71, one hand on the wheel and one clutching a Marlboro, when she approaches a no-cover charge Christian comedy special, erupts in side-splitting laughter, dropping the lit cigarette on to her lap, sending the car spinning out of control and into a herd of cattle? Where did those fucking cows come from?! The Christians have a mission and that mission is to kill you with laughter. Heaven is only a puff away!

Of course, this is a sweeping generalization and hardly applies to every denomination. Mormons are very serious people. Their monthly invoices from Staples are sure to prove that. The pamphlets! Have you ever been to a Mormon Visitor’s Center? They’ll sell you Jesus by the book of Coldwell Banker. When’s the last time you used a real estate agent and found them to be quite humorous? I don’t remember an open house when the agent, out of the blue yelled, “there’s buried treasure under the laminate!”

Catholics are the least funny of all Christians for a variety of devious reasons, including their following leaders who dress like supernumeraries at the Metropolitan Opera. As a former Catholic, I’ve seen the church signs, which rather than get puny for the Lord, merely list times of service, as if to say, “no time for funny, just put this in your calendar.”